hide-n-(sensory)-seeking

"It's not the fall that kills you." We've all heard this line. (Especially us Sherlock fans!!) I completely agree. It's not the fall that kills me. It's the summer. The unyieldingly hot, suffocatingly humid, seemingly endless Deep South summers. This past one, I experienced the worst mental emotional collapse I have ever had. I lost almost all function as a person. I was on the brink of a very ugly precipice. With the last possible energy I could muster, I asked for help. And help came. Well, I went to it really. I was referred to a psychiatrist, after a couple visits and some medicine trial and error, she is helping me get back on track. Away from the precipice, and up and moving like a person again. A very slow person, but a person again nonetheless. My battles with depression over the years were even less under my control than I had ever realized. It wasn't something I could fix on my own. I didn't know the ...

This week seemed heavier somehow, than the ones proceeding it. And when I thought back and tried to find a word to describe that weight, the only one that felt right was... waiting . It's what I have been doing the most of.  Waiting for packages to arrive to move forward with projects and plans. Waiting for key electronics to reset and start working properly so that I can move forward with projects and plans. Waiting for our chickens, now five months old to start laying eggs, any time now. This pic of Butterball is actually several weeks old now, her comb and waddle are getting bright red and growing out nicely, just wasn't able to get any good chicken pics this week. But some things I'm waiting for are heavier, more draining.  Waiting for my mind to stop thinking at night so I can finally drift off to sleep.  Waiting, even when I'm sleeping for the sound of Kit's voice in the middle of the night, "I want Mama...

I've been researching a lot of information on depression and depression treatment. I've been struggling with this condition to greater or lesser degrees my entire adult life. The trench that I have been in recently however has depleted me and drained me and wrapped so much tighter around me than ever before though. And I recognized that this time I need more assistance to climb back up out of the void. I have begun a treatment plan that is constructed of several parts. The first is re-strengthening my spiritual routine. Regular study, prayer, Family Worship, and reading God's Word together as a family are our priorities. So is being at as many weekly Congregation Meetings as we can. Another part involves working with a therapist. This is the first time that I am working with one. I am ambivalent, but my family needs me to be able and present and vital, and I want to be those things for them and for myself, so I'm willing. The other major part involves impl...

Obviously, I've been sort of absent here the last few weeks. Sorry about that. I would much have preferred that the reason for my neglect was due to a long, quiet, and peaceful spa vacation...but, no. I wasn't anywhere exotic, peaceful, or quiet. Except for when I was at Symphony. While not exactly exotic or quiet, it was definitely a treasured respite! And our concert was the most fun so far! Otherwise, I've been here, sort of. Dumping what little energy I could manage to muster into finding a way back to where I really want to be. Back to me, and my family. To energy, vitality, and being able to fully function again. It's a dig I've made before, several times in fact, but this time has definitely been deeper, darker, and more disabling than ever. I really don't like the term Depression. In the clinical sense. As in the name of this condition which an ever rising portion of the world's population is suffering from. The word depres...