I've spent the last few days alternating between anger and feeling sorry for myself. A lot of it may be justified, but for the most part it is entirely unhelpful. Almost, I do sometimes clean when I'm angry, so that's a plus.
Most of the time though it just means that I'm even more tired than I started out, and have just as much, if not more work to do. Which of course just makes me feel sorry for myself, then angry, etc. Vicious cycle.
So every once in a while when I'm feeling that way, I'll steal away during or right after the kids bedtime. I'll indulge in a coffee or hot chocolate, and maybe some cookies. I'll go to my 'Thoughtful Spot.' Not as nice as Pooh Bear's, but almost always empty, and as decent a view of the stars as one can expect within city limits.
I went there tonight and just breathed in the cool night air. I let my eyes follow the fog as it slowly swept the field, set aglow by the moonshine. I resented the streetlights along the perimeter and the drone of traffic that crowds out the sounds of the crickets, frogs and the breeze in the trees. But my thoughts could roam free and uninterrupted, and to my surprise I didn't cry, or feel angry, or even sorry for myself.
I found myself thinking about how we got here. How every big change has been so unexpected, but has turned out to be full of blessings. Not just the big changes over the last few weeks, but over the last few years. So many changes. So many blessings.
I reminded myself that the blessings are always there, I just need to be watchful so as not to miss them. And as I made my way back home I felt grateful. Prayerful. Much more at peace with myself.
As Victor and I patiently tried to lull Kit to sleep, this song came on from his playlist of Kit's nighttime songs, and it made my heart swell with deep appreciation for each and every one of my babies, my nieces and nephews (be they by blood or by bond), and everyone else here in my heart. So I share it now with you.