Anxious Optimism

You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time.- Pat Schroeder

So I haven't really been able to write much this week. Though I did have a few other obligations earlier this week that took precedence, they are not why I haven't been writing. Instead of suffering from writer's block, I almost have the opposite problem.

It's as if I have a bottleneck of thoughts, emotions, and questions building up and backing up in my brain. I have a traffic jam in my head. (Maybe why it hurts more the last few days?) Then to compound that, my energy has been way, way low. And truth be told my spirits, too.

Probably the most pressing thing on my mental powers the last few days is an up-coming appointment. Zak and I are going to visit the Pediatric Psychologist for the first time Monday morning. Kit will see her at a later date.

I'm not really nervous about being there, but rather that I will suddenly loose all ability to recall information while we're there. I have ten years worth of questions, concerns, observations, that we somehow have to present in a matter of minutes. I want to bring up the most pressing concerns, ask the questions that can lead to the best direction, convey the most helpful observations to facilitate progress for all of us.

I know that we are not going to walk out with all the answers we need. I'm not looking for a diagnosis at this visit either, in fact I would not trust someone who gave one that fast. But there are so many unknowns that it makes me feel a little unhinged.

I'm scared of everything changing. I'm scared of nothing changing. I'm scared of being more of a contributor to the problems than part of the solution.

I'm worried about offending her if I don't agree. I'm worried about not being assertive enough, or not trusting my instincts. What if my instincts are wrong?

What if?

What if?

I'm so grateful to be taking the next step to helping my kids, and our whole family in the right direction. But what if the direction changes, or seemingly immovable roadblocks appear. Am I strong enough? Brave enough? Honest enough?

What if?

What if?

What if it goes great? What if we have a fantastic connection, and she listens really well, and is really supportive of us? What if we get help? And tools? And strategies!? What if our family learns how to work together to get everyone's needs met without tears, and fights, and so much mess? What if we start to have more great days than rough ones? What if we could start planning for months ahead, even years, instead of just weeks, days, and hours?

What if?

What if?

Okay, here we go. Our sleeves are rolled up, aprons on, hair tied back. Let's roll.

It's worth it.

We're worth it.

They are so worth it all.